I’ve tried pretty hard to adopt some of the Buddhist and Christian beliefs in compassion, equanimity… and some of the precepts against gossip... along with the grandmotherly wisdom of keeping your mouth shut if you don’t have anything constructive to say.
I try… I really do. But I’m human. Like most humans I occasionally get a little happy about someone else's misfortune. Whether out of bitterness or jealousy… I’m not sure where exactly the feelings come from. I could tell you I wasn’t crying into my soup when Andrew Beitbart died earlier this year. Yes, I know he was relatively young and yes… I know he had young children… but the stuff that came out of the man’s mouth was vile… I never wished him dead… but if I had the ability to wish someone back to life he wouldn’t be the first pick on my list. I made an ill-thought out post on my Facebook... and a long list of people felt the need to chime in and tell me how callous I was for thinking... "Yay... one more crazy loudmouth down... a zillion to go...!"
A co-worker of mine… who I worked with for 10 years before changing buildings… is dying as I type this. A series of heart attacks… one in the hospital… and he’s been on life support for several days. He’s brain dead. They’re turning off the machines tonight.
Now I realize that I can’t spend my entire life watching what I think or say just in case that person drops dead the next day and makes me look like an unfeeling bitch… but though I did my best to get along with this co-worker… I also thought he was a bit of a slacker. He smoked rather heavily… was very fond of his smoke breaks... and it's something I’m sure factored heavily into his heart attack. He was always looking for a reason to leave his desk… would “meet salespeople downtown” for lunch whenever his supervisor was out of the office… and would regularly tell his supervisor he was leaving early to take the train when I knew darn well his car was in the parking lot. He also took off early two summers in a row to coach his kid’s little league…. Something which I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be doing on his own time and not on the company’s. He was also on the anti-social side… and whenever the group of us got together for pizza… or holiday lunch… he’d skip out. I didn’t like him. I didn’t actively dislike him. You know... the relationship you have with most of your co-workers.
For all of his real or perceived faults… he was someone I knew… knew for a decade… and he was a very good father to his kids. His sons regularly came in for “Bring your child to work” day festivities… and they were well mannered boys… seemed bright… and he was very good to them. He talked about them all of the time… in a way only an interested and involved parent would. Some people have one talent… and maybe his was being that perfect blend of stern and compassionate that seems to make someone a good father. Especially the skinny, chain smoking types sporting moussed comb-overs. His children are both in their teens… one mid- one early… and they will lose their father today. They will live a life without a father to straighten their cummerbund before they leave for prom… one where their father doesn't attend their weddings and dance awkwardly with the bride… and in a world where their kids' Grandpa is a photo in an album... and not a skinny old guy who still chain smokes from the first base bleacher section. The thought makes me sad… terribly sad… because I lost the only father figure I knew at that age… and remember how much I tried NOT to grieve. To be an adult… while the adults around me fell apart from grief in their own special ways. How much I miss having him around now... how bad I feel that my husband never knew him... except through the filter of my memories.
So I’m going to forgive myself for any and all ill thoughts I had about him when he was alive… and I can say was because a co-worker just stopped by as I was writing this to tell me he’d passed… and I’m going to wish his kids well… his family well… and hope that if there’s someplace after this… he’s there and happy. I'm sure that some of my co-workers grumble about my bad habits... and I'm sure they'd be equally as shocked and sad if I suddenly passed away. But there's no use holding onto guilt. It's the acid that turns everything sour. Another lesson learned on the path to treating the people around me with compassion and love… but one that has already been given to us both by the Buddha… and Jesus Christ.
1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”
