Bark...

My dog barks when I'm not home. He barks when we leave. It's separation anxiety pure and simple.

Thing is...every time I leave I feel like barking too. I mean...I go out the door to work and 99.9% of me is screaming..."GO BACK AND PET THE DOG!"

This wouldn't be so bad except I've been getting the Nellie report every morning. Monday: Your dog is barking...could you do somethine? Tuesday: Still barking...how about shutting your windows? Wednesday: Still barking...I can hear him through your window fan. Thursday: Still barking...ever thought of one of those anti-bark collars?

Friday...I kind of feel like recording 30 minutes of my dog barking...and hanging one of my stereo speakers out the window. I think tonight is gonna be PUNK ROCK MUSIC NIGHT! I'm gonna pull out all of my Black Flag and The Misfits and she can listen to "I Ain't No Goddamn Son of a Bitch" turned up all the way to eleven.

I know all of the techniques for teaching my dog not to bark. Thing is...I'd just rather be home than teach him not to bark when I'm away...

So...today I'll shop online for smarter dog toys...and tomorrow I'll talk to the dog trainers at animalsense.com where I take classes about ways to stop the barking. But the real way is for me to JUST IGNORE IT. No yelling...because then whenever he barks he'll get to hear Mommy yell at him which sounds like..."Blah, Booiiah...Rerun!!" to him.

It's stress....anxiety. I mean I took two months off of work to get my head back together and work on getting my own tired ass outof bed to work on time and I have some retired woman who want's to sleep in complaining about my barking dog.

GET A JOB. BUY EARPLUGS. Better yet...why don't I just drop him off at your place every morning and you can entertain him for the day?

Really...sometimes...I really like Nellie. Because I appreciate busybodyness. Sometimes...I want to bury her head first in the front courtyard.

But really...I feel that way about everyone from time to time.